I was very, very frustrated, and my activiteis were limited and confined. I could not do my own groceries. I could not travel too long. I was desperately seeking a way to improve my physical set-backs. Of many neurosurgeons I had during four times of brain-related surgeries, one day, one of my neurosurgeons was very short and had bad bedside manner in the cruelest attitude. I had so many questions. I wanted to get more information. He kept his distance by standing near the door and did not even examine me during my appointment with him. He finished his speech and left the room, closeing all the door of the possibilities in my hope. This neurosurgeon told me that he had nothing to offer. I sat at the patient room for a while. Tears rolled on my cheeks. I had no idea where to start.
I came home from the hospital, but was exhausted. I was forced to prepare my dinner and eat because I realized that I had not eaten all day after my breakfast. I had to eat to maintain myself. As I was forcing myself to eat the third spoonful of soup, I suddenly felt the emptiness. I felt that I was not worth at all. I felt hopelessness. I did not want to suffer. I did not want to be in pain. I did not want to be in frustration.
This was not a life I wanted to live. This was not a life I dreamed of. I did not want to live anymore. I just wanted to end my life so that I could suffer less. My mind was swirling with the thoughts of committing suicide. I googled, “Best way to commit suicide” and was surprised obtaining so many results. I was thinking of my mom when she had the toughest time in her life. I felt that she came to me from the other side of this physical world. But, in front of me, there were tons of information about committing suicide. I was soooo tired to go through all the search results. I needed a rest. I was not thinking properly. I lied down to rest and went to sleep immediately. Even forgot brushing my teeth.
The following morning, I woke up with the sound of birds— lovely and delightful singing. I said to myself: Today was the tomorrow of yesterday. Yesterday was my miserable day. I could have ended my life yesterday. That meant, I would not have today as the tomorrow of yesterday. I would not have a chance to listen these lovely and delightful birds’ singing.
Tomorrow!
Yesterday!
Today!
Suddenly, I remembered the quote from a philosopher, Benedict de Spinoza from Netherland, “Even though the world should see the end tomorrow, I will plant an apple tree.”
Literally, I got two apple trees, and planting Apple Tree was the turning-point in my life.
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